When the World was right

I just don't  understand, why I always have to feel this way. I don't understand why I have to have these people in my life, when all they do is bring me down. All my life I have been told how I am "useless," "worthless," "Just a piece of trash." And you know, once you hear it enough you start to believe it. I am at that point. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, well I am dying a very slow and painful death on the inside. I want to go back to this picture, when all the things in the world were right.

Well yet again today it was the same thing. The thing with my dad was brought up again today. Oh How I wish I could just go home. Home to my husband where I know I belong and that I am loved for sure. I really hope that he doesn't have to work all night again tonight, because I really need to talk to him. I just wish that I had someone in my life that gets it. I dont know where to turn from here but I dont think that it will really ever be the same. Its sad to say as little family that I have left I probably will never be back here because of this. Its not worth coming to see the people that you love when all they do it put you down, make you miserable, and make you feel like you are the worst person alive. I am so sick of putting everyone first and making them happy and putting myself last. Its time for ME to be happy to DAMN IT! 

The next person that pisses me off is going to get super glue in their toothpaste so I dont have to listen to their bullshit anymore. 

Wicked witch of the West.

So yet again, I am in South Carolina helping my family, only to not be appreciated as usual. My grandmother had open heart surgery, so I left my home and husband, for 3 weeks to come and take care of her, she has to have some one with her 24/7 for the next 2 weeks. Mind you she has 5 other grandchild, and 2 other children besides my mom, but yet none of them are around to take care of her.... ummm... wonder why. So here I am away from my husband yet and again. And I wake up to....My grandmother screaming at me because she wanted breakfast, and then she has the nerve to tell me that I am the reason that my daddy is dead. For those of you that read that and don't know, my dad passed away in Dec. 2009 after he had heart surgery, and due to a blood infection(sepsis) he passed away. I have struggled with this since he passed. My brother and I had to make the decision to take him off life support, and since then I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that I think that I killed my dad. I know that it was God's will, but it is still in the back of my mind. And for her to be so COLD and tell me that I killed him, because that I didn't take care of him, is just beyond absurd. I also have a disable mother, so not only was I taking care of my dad, and mom, I was also working a full time job, and taking care of my grandmother because my grandfather had passed away 2 weeks before my dad did. I am not writing this to have people feel sorry for me but to vent and clear my head. Its also rather annoying when you have friends that don't call you for weeks, and so they call you out of the blue and you don't answer because you are dealing with the wicked witch of the west..AKA my grandmother so they leave you this rude text message saying that they are not going to contact you anymore because you didn't answer. GIVE ME A FREAKING break..........I am NOT Superwoman....I can not be everywhere and do everything for everyone all the time, despite what some of you might think... 

So on an end note. I just want to go back to VA and be with my husband again. I don't want to deal with this anymore and I don't think that I should have to.. If someone drives 5 1/2 hours from their home and leaves their husband for 3 weeks to come take care of you, the least you could do is act like you appreciate it, instead of bitching, moaning, and complaining about how bad of a job they are doing and how horrible they are. 

I have PCOS....but PCOS will not beat me!

                                  

I am in despreate need of a make over of my mind, body, and soul. I just feel like I am stuck in this rut that I cant get out of. I have let some of the health issues get the best of me and I am tired of feeling like this, because of them. PCOS you will not win anymore. I have let my PCOS control me for so long that I don't even know whtat is it like to be myself anymore. I am tired of being over weight and having to deal with all the headache that I have to go through with this. I just want to feel normal again, and be able to do normal things. I want to lose the weight so that I can walk without getting tired, and be able to feel like I am not getting in to my own way. I want to be able to fit in clothes. I just want to feel like me again. So starting now, I am going to stop whinning about all the things that I would like to see for myself and JUST DO IT! I want to be a better and happier me. I am going to stop wasting time, and start saving time on my life so that I can live a long and happy, and be able to have childern, and grow old with my husband. I will no longer let PCOS beat me. I am going to and will fight this!

Memory Lane...

Wow. I havent written on here in forever. Last time I updated, I was moving back to Va, to be with my husband. We finally got moved and are in our own town house now. It Feels great to have a place of our own, where is it just the two of us, plus I get to have things just the way that I want them...lol. Everything is going pretty good in my life, other than I really miss certain people, I hate getting into those stupid fights with your friends, to where it gets to the point that you dont talk to each other. I know that  lately I have pushed people out, but I think that in order for me to see what and who ready mattered to me it was something that I had to do. I really miss Stacey J., Laruen P, and Anna D., The best girls in the world. I know that I cant change time and make things the way that they used to be but I really do hope that they are living the best lives they could possilbly be living and are truly happy. As for me I guess we will see what the furture holdsm I guess it can only get better or worse from here. I hoping that its the better, cause I dont think I can stand anymore bad in my life.

On the way to being in his arms again. :)

Well in less than 12 hours I will be back in my husbands arms again. I am so happy and excited that we can be together again. I have been packing all week long and i am writting this right now while I am taking a break. :) i should try and get some sleep but, I know that is not going to happy because I am so axnious. 11 am can not come soon enough. I cant wait to be on the road, on my way to my sweet husband. :)

Forever: Is Just another word.

I wrote this back in 2009, but I wanted to share.

When I first saw you standing there, you know it was a little hard not to stare. From the moment that we met, my world was turned upside down. To some degree, I still regret my memory for keeping you around. We kissed that night, before you left. Still now, it's something that I can never forget. I said I loved you in the street, it hasn't been the same since then. Babe, it was always you and I, and with you I always knew that I was something. We've had our backs against the wall, and it was always just us against the world.I have nothing to hide. How I wish everyday for just one more kiss, and that you would have never said your last goodbye. No one else knows this feeling inside, because it's the sound of your voice that brings me home. Every road that I have been down, the only truth I have ever found. I was searching for something that I never thought I would find. And, just when I thought life was about to drive me insane you were the one that was there to steer the reins. The only thing I cant live without is, you.

What I would give, what I would do, for you to know that I am here for you. You must have been in a place so dark. But why? That is what i keep asking. Was there anything I could have said or done? I have no clue why you were masking a troubled soul. GOD only knows, went wrong. There is no comprehending. Who am I to judge or try to explain? I do have a burning question? Who told you love wasn't worth the fight? They lied and they were wrong, because now you are gone. I should have stolen every moment, now there is a page with not enough on it, where you and I belong. So what am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you. What am I supposed to say, I'm all choked up, while you are always OK. I'm still alive but I'm just barley breathing. I'm falling to pieces. They say bad things happen for a reason, but no wise words are going to stop the bleeding. You moved on and I'm still grieving. You have her heart, and mine, but I am the one left with all of this pain. When a heart breaks it doesn't break even. Now, I am left trying to make sense of what little remains. It's not like you to just walk away. I lost my whole life and a dear friend. All the fire we had before, it is now just bitter ashes left scattered on the floor.

I have always tried to be the strong and silent type. A lot of good that has done. I had to make a choice that was not mine. I finally put it all together, that nothing really last forever. There you were at the tip of my fingers, the whole world wrapped up in my arms. Now, there is a rain that will never stop falling, and a wall that I am trying so hard to break down. What I should have said just wouldn't pass my lips, so I just held back. Now, its come to this, and it's to late now. What do I do now that you are gone? I have no back up plan and no second chance. I only have myself to blame. All I can hear in the silence that remains are the would I was to afraid to say. You are everything I have ever dreamed of having, and It would be everything I needed to just know that you we're waiting for me. You and I, right or wrong. There is no other one, after all this time I have ever spent alone. It is hard to believe I was so blind, thinking about all the better times without you. I must have been out of my mind.Now I find myself running back to tell you all the things that I couldn't say before.

Next time I won't suffer this kind of pain. I'm going to own all my mistakes not just pass off all the blame. I would be so much better off if I could just let this go with no regrets. I hope you are doing fine out there without me. GOD, knows I'm not doing well without you. I have never felt anything in the world like this before. I'm missing you and wish you would come back through my door. Why did you have to go? You could have stayed, but you wouldn't give me a chance. All these tears keep running down my face. Why did you turn away? Why does your pride make you want to run and hide? What will it take to make you come back? Why can't we just start over and get us back to where we used to be? If you would just give me a chance, I would prove it to you.I don't know what else to do. Don't think I am doing fine, because It is not true. I really need you in my life. Please don't tell me I am out of time. If it take the rest of my life, I don't care what I have to do I will wait for you. I have turned a different corner, gone to another place. I have never had this feeling of emptiness that I feel today. If you only knew how many times I counted all the words I said wrong, and how I refuse to let you go. I would sacrifice my beating heart, if it would have kept me from losing you. I don't regret the days I spent or the nights we shared. You have helped me live and you helped me learn. You made me see that there was something that was missing. You made me see that you are something that I would never chose, but at the same time something that I NEVER wanted to lose. I wish I never had to be without you again. You are the best thing that I never knew I needed. Now it is so clear that I need you here.

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep. I toss and turn like the sea. If I drown tonight, bring me back to life, breathe your breath in me. The only thing that I still believe in is you. All that I am after is a life that matters. I wish my life was still with you. I think that the only thing that still matters, is love ever after. After the life I have been through, I know that there is no life after you. I have to give it all I've got. Live my life like it is my last day everyday. I should have completely giving you my heart and soul. Should have held on as tight as I could. Should have pulled you in so close that you could feel every breath I was breathing. Then you might have not walked away with someone else. I love who I love with all that I have, and that someone will always and forever be you. I am not going to waste anymore time, because time flies to fast. You never know what you have, until it's gone.