Dont just be here to be here, be here for real

I have been trying my best lately to tell people how I feel, but it just doesn't work. They say I need to talk to someone, I thought I could talk to them, but they want me to talk to like a shrink or something. Well maybe I should. At least a shrink would listen. I am so tired of feeling this way, and honestly the things that I have been going through no one deserves to go through them, and I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.  I just wish for a change someone would be there for me like I am there for them. I have plenty of people that "tell" me they are, but they don't stand behind those actions. Anyone that knows me knows that I am there, even if you call me in the middle of the night, but I don't have ANYONE there for me like that. Not mys husband, my mom, my family, my friends...just a bunch of people that say they are, but I know its just all talk. And I really think that I'm just done. 

When the World was right

I just don't  understand, why I always have to feel this way. I don't understand why I have to have these people in my life, when all they do is bring me down. All my life I have been told how I am "useless," "worthless," "Just a piece of trash." And you know, once you hear it enough you start to believe it. I am at that point. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, well I am dying a very slow and painful death on the inside. I want to go back to this picture, when all the things in the world were right.

Well yet again today it was the same thing. The thing with my dad was brought up again today. Oh How I wish I could just go home. Home to my husband where I know I belong and that I am loved for sure. I really hope that he doesn't have to work all night again tonight, because I really need to talk to him. I just wish that I had someone in my life that gets it. I dont know where to turn from here but I dont think that it will really ever be the same. Its sad to say as little family that I have left I probably will never be back here because of this. Its not worth coming to see the people that you love when all they do it put you down, make you miserable, and make you feel like you are the worst person alive. I am so sick of putting everyone first and making them happy and putting myself last. Its time for ME to be happy to DAMN IT! 

The next person that pisses me off is going to get super glue in their toothpaste so I dont have to listen to their bullshit anymore. 

Wicked witch of the West.

So yet again, I am in South Carolina helping my family, only to not be appreciated as usual. My grandmother had open heart surgery, so I left my home and husband, for 3 weeks to come and take care of her, she has to have some one with her 24/7 for the next 2 weeks. Mind you she has 5 other grandchild, and 2 other children besides my mom, but yet none of them are around to take care of her.... ummm... wonder why. So here I am away from my husband yet and again. And I wake up to....My grandmother screaming at me because she wanted breakfast, and then she has the nerve to tell me that I am the reason that my daddy is dead. For those of you that read that and don't know, my dad passed away in Dec. 2009 after he had heart surgery, and due to a blood infection(sepsis) he passed away. I have struggled with this since he passed. My brother and I had to make the decision to take him off life support, and since then I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that I think that I killed my dad. I know that it was God's will, but it is still in the back of my mind. And for her to be so COLD and tell me that I killed him, because that I didn't take care of him, is just beyond absurd. I also have a disable mother, so not only was I taking care of my dad, and mom, I was also working a full time job, and taking care of my grandmother because my grandfather had passed away 2 weeks before my dad did. I am not writing this to have people feel sorry for me but to vent and clear my head. Its also rather annoying when you have friends that don't call you for weeks, and so they call you out of the blue and you don't answer because you are dealing with the wicked witch of the west..AKA my grandmother so they leave you this rude text message saying that they are not going to contact you anymore because you didn't answer. GIVE ME A FREAKING break..........I am NOT Superwoman....I can not be everywhere and do everything for everyone all the time, despite what some of you might think... 

So on an end note. I just want to go back to VA and be with my husband again. I don't want to deal with this anymore and I don't think that I should have to.. If someone drives 5 1/2 hours from their home and leaves their husband for 3 weeks to come take care of you, the least you could do is act like you appreciate it, instead of bitching, moaning, and complaining about how bad of a job they are doing and how horrible they are. 

I have PCOS....but PCOS will not beat me!

                                  

I am in despreate need of a make over of my mind, body, and soul. I just feel like I am stuck in this rut that I cant get out of. I have let some of the health issues get the best of me and I am tired of feeling like this, because of them. PCOS you will not win anymore. I have let my PCOS control me for so long that I don't even know whtat is it like to be myself anymore. I am tired of being over weight and having to deal with all the headache that I have to go through with this. I just want to feel normal again, and be able to do normal things. I want to lose the weight so that I can walk without getting tired, and be able to feel like I am not getting in to my own way. I want to be able to fit in clothes. I just want to feel like me again. So starting now, I am going to stop whinning about all the things that I would like to see for myself and JUST DO IT! I want to be a better and happier me. I am going to stop wasting time, and start saving time on my life so that I can live a long and happy, and be able to have childern, and grow old with my husband. I will no longer let PCOS beat me. I am going to and will fight this!

Memory Lane...

Wow. I havent written on here in forever. Last time I updated, I was moving back to Va, to be with my husband. We finally got moved and are in our own town house now. It Feels great to have a place of our own, where is it just the two of us, plus I get to have things just the way that I want them...lol. Everything is going pretty good in my life, other than I really miss certain people, I hate getting into those stupid fights with your friends, to where it gets to the point that you dont talk to each other. I know that  lately I have pushed people out, but I think that in order for me to see what and who ready mattered to me it was something that I had to do. I really miss Stacey J., Laruen P, and Anna D., The best girls in the world. I know that I cant change time and make things the way that they used to be but I really do hope that they are living the best lives they could possilbly be living and are truly happy. As for me I guess we will see what the furture holdsm I guess it can only get better or worse from here. I hoping that its the better, cause I dont think I can stand anymore bad in my life.

On the way to being in his arms again. :)

Well in less than 12 hours I will be back in my husbands arms again. I am so happy and excited that we can be together again. I have been packing all week long and i am writting this right now while I am taking a break. :) i should try and get some sleep but, I know that is not going to happy because I am so axnious. 11 am can not come soon enough. I cant wait to be on the road, on my way to my sweet husband. :)